Tuesday, November 18, 2003 8:57 PM journal i hope i don't discourage anyone from reading my blog by making it private. its not all the way, theres still a way in. im all about making back doors. i just hope i can find enough song lyrics to continuosly provide a back door. it's getting more fun though. I'm all about mazes most of the time. that means i get annoyed with them sometimes, but i generally like mazes. I'm actually listining to Skillet without being asked to by Travis. i was just in the mood for it, i guess. i feel more relieved now about this. it's like an advnture every day!
anywayz, everything is not getting too better. the lady that i collided with needs her car fixed. i just wish nothing would happen this year, next year it would be so much better, i'd be all enlisted and full of money, now i don't even know if i get to get in.that's ok though.
Sunday, November 16, 2003 11:46 PM journal i had an accident today. it wasnt too exciting. only i can make an accident boring. i didnt have my liscence on me. the pavement was wet. i was going slow though. too bad i messed a car up. it mostly ruined the night. then jodi disappeared. she just walked out. i was watching queer eye for the first time ever and jodi just left the house. after awhile we got worried, but she was just walking down the road. maybe she was looking to pick someone up, or maybe she's just reflecting on how she's treating her life. i really don't mind her that much. we just both have some intelligence about things. when i got home i watched the matrix movie. the 2nd one. i hadnt finished it yet. a lot of people say they thought it was bad, but i really liked it. it makes me want to go out and buiy the video game, even though im not into those type of games. my english paper went well too. it took all day to write mine and jonis, and leave time for owen to write his. the typical stuff happend too, like the computer got shut off, error messages for printing, ink running out, it really cracked me up. plus we had really crappy pizza. i dont know. i just got finished talking to eileen. this girl that liked me when she moved. im pretty loserish about things like that. i guess she got me back since i didnt like her, cuz she got me to visit her over the summer after she moved and i feel asleep on the way there. got me in my first accident. ran into the side of a semi too. im really not that bad of a driver if you believe it. most the time i dont got on peoples tails or anything. like goflyakite's post the other day, i just dont feel that. it was hosestly the other driver today, i just hit someone's back, so i got citated. o- well, im goin to sleep so i have a chance to wake up on my own tomorow. i should clean a bit too for janet.
Saturday, November 15, 2003 12:30 AM journal its only halfway disturbing to look up pictures of dead people and accidents online. only halfway though. especially since my girlfriend told me to look at them. at least im getting a well-rounded experianced last 'teen-age' year. good- night to you.
Friday, November 14, 2003 4:37 PM journal i can really type that much. i feel it. anywayz, i finally watched Dogma. ive been wanting to see it since it came out in theaters when i was in middle school. i still remember that period too. particularly the street before sara's. o- man, that was some funny stuff. i fell like not boring anyone since im trying to attract people now. only halfway though. maybe i just need the attention. who cares.
So there was this girl named Sara in New York. my friend Matt was really into her. he actually was about my only friend. i wonder how much of a dork i would be if i could see me then. anywayz, me and matt were all about video games and anime and stuff. and matt was particularly all about this sara chick. she lived around him, so when we'd hang out id get to see her too. then i moved up on her and started hanging out with her. that cracks me up. she was all about x-files too. i wonder how wierd she is. probably not too much. that'd actually be pretty cool to talk to her again. too bad i don't let my emotions ove govern me. Too bad this house is so cold al the tiMe! geeshk! anywayz, ill prolly write more soon, i have the whole weekend alone. my 'roomates' went to chicago for a college visit. sounds too fun for me. o-well......
Thursday, November 13, 2003 3:32 PM journal Search For Identity Letter jackets in high school are mostly overrated. The Dao Jones (his nickname is really T. J.; the ıJı is redundant), the most athletically gifted senior at Cutter High School, has never wanted one. He never played school sports to earn one because of the attitude of the coaches and kids in them. He also has a problem with authority. T. J. went from a vengeful, angry kid that did not like control to a forgiving, more understanding adult. T J. has always been an outcast. ıIım black. And Japanese. And white. Politically correct would be African-American, Japanese-American, and what? European-American?ı(1). Growing up in a prejudice part of Washington, T. J. has always had problems with other kids in school. From making friends to going on dates, parents wouldnıt let their children be seen with him. He secludes himself further by not competing in school sports when he makes it apparent he has the ability to do so. The athletic department at Cutter basically runs the entire town, so by not going out for any teams he shows how much school spirit he lacks. The students of the athletic department made sure T. J. knew how they felt. Mike Barbour, one such student, was a ılinebacker extraordinaire and student most likely to graduate with multiple feloniesı(14), let T. J. know how much he did not appreciate him. Because the athletic department is so large, Mike feels he has to be higher than every non athlete in the school, T. J. especially. Most of the time Mike hangs out with Rich Marshall, the leader of a group called Wolverines Too. Wolverines Too is a group of graduated athletes who still hang out at the high school reliving their glory days through new athletes. Together, Marshall and Barbour are always giving T. J. problems every chance they get. Athletes, like Barbour, place a lot of importance on their letter jackets. So when T. J. attempts to get six outcasts jackets, tensions really heat up. Rich Marshall and his family seem to have a permanent place in T. J.ıs life. In school and out, T. J. can not seem to get away from the conflict Rich brings into his life. T. J. first encounters Rich when, as a freshman, he tries to save a baby deer that Rich shoots out from under him. After graduating high school, Richıs cheerleader girlfriend, Alicia Dalton, dumps him for a black defensive back in college and gets pregnant with Heidi. After an unfortunate accident, she goes back to Rich. He does not take kindly to having a black daughter and seriously abuses her and Alicia. Eventually, a court order separates Rich from his family and they end up living in T. J.ıs house. When T. J. first meets Heidi, her arms are bleeding from her trying to scrub the black off of them. Working with Heidi helps T. J. to grow more responsible and more able to fight racism. Chris Crutcher is another kid tied closely to T. J.ıs life. Handicapped from his mothers boyfriend as an infant, Chris finds it very hard to escape the torments of Mike and his friends. Because T. J.ıs mother abandoned him when he was young as well, and T. J. is also an outcast, he often stands up for him. T. J. helps Chris when he invites and supports him on the new Cutter swim team. By helping Chris, T. J. feels better about himself and often reflects how his life would be if his mom had made the same choice Chrisıs mom had considering they had the same lifestyle. Through the actions of his foster father, T. J. learned to control and channel his anger positively. When T. J. was only two when his biological mom asked the Jones to take him in. When he first arrived, T. J. was out of control, but through his new parents care and patience, they worked most of it out of him. His dad learned, himself, the patience from a period of his life when he was a trucker and drove off with a kid that had climbed under the end of his truck. There was not much left of the kid. He applies this life lesson often when dealing with tough problems. When T. J.ıs problems with Rich arose, his dad was there to talk him through it. ııIım a lot more tolerant of things I used to despise, a lot slower to draw the line between god and bad. I look at a guy like Rich Marshall, for example. Thirty years ago Iıd have hated his guts... but you donıt get like Rich is being treated well all your life.ıı(129). After his senior year, T. J. and his dad are playing in a large basketball competition in which Rich is a part of. After they beat Richıs team, he levels a gun in Heidiıs direction and shoots. T. J.ıs dad stops the bullet, and in his dying words tells T. J. not to waste any of his life on revenge. At first T. J. just wants to kill Rich, but after being with his dad the last few moments, he realizes that revenge is not that important. T. J. does not even attend Richıs trial, he just accepts his dad is gone, saving a child in his last.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003 12:03 AM journal i dont have too much to say. its pretty late for me. especially for school. i started to get caught up with some people over the weekend. its really complex. its like they go 100 miles an hour past me. all their thoughts and stuff. i feel good about it though. we made fun of an armless kid..
Thursday, November 6, 2003 8:05 PM journal I feel overly dramatic right now, but im not alloud to show it because it would be too annoying. im not too much fake at all for people. its not like i put on a face and act how i think people would want me to act. i just have some intelligence and know when antics from an Aric wouldn't be overly appreciated.
'You never minded giving us the stars, and then showing us how blind and unaware of You we are..'
I've been having really, really super weird dreams lately. and its like every night i have them. i think theres particular 'beings' that use a persons experiances/emotions/cond ition to create dreams. and they only creat dreams that are interesting for them. my life is upside-down-left right now, so theres the interestingness for the 'beings' to work with...lol.
i dont look too much into dreams.
Owen's house has been passing well for me. i just wish i wasnt so lazy for them. i have some chores im supposed to do right now. its only halfway a big deal though. we have a lot of organic natural food here. for instance tonight we had spaghetti. which is mostly good. we had wheat noodles, and she made her own speghetti sauce out of peppers and tomatoe things.. it really made you appreciate the noddle. because of the good tast. where as the othere spagheti's ive eaten make you really appreciate the sauce. like my moms. it all matters in the taste of the sauce. i mean, if the noodles are bad they affect the taste, but thats not what im talking about.
everyone ive been talking to has been saying they get that i have a low self-esteem. i dont think i have too much of a low self-esteem. a lot of things have been happaning lately, but i feel mostly good about things. ive really really been feeling music lately. all my emotions are into it for the most part. maybe the music is tricking me and stealing my emotions so i feel like i dont have any emotions about anything else. lol.. im just being different. i dont really believe in beings in my sleep or music sucking my emotions. i wouls like to fit in somewhere though. i want a group of friends for me. thats something i have a qualm about, but i think ill manage this last year about it. what i really really hate is for people to feel sorry for me. and its no like i go arounf asking for it, telling everyone everything that goes crazy with me, i mostly feel good about putting it here, and im not asking for pity from online people either. im really not asking for too much, as not comments too much anyway, but im really feeling that affect. it means people dont know me, or they havent found me. people i know that is. or they just dont tell me about it and sit back and judge...... hmm.
my wrist is gonna fall of.. soo much typing, so little support, so much coldness.
FOR ME-E-E-E-E--E--E--E---e-- --e-----e------e------e-- -----e
Thursday, November 6, 2003 6:12 PM Journal and Kari
Thursday, November 6, 2003 5:59 PM journal whats up dan?
Thursday, November 6, 2003 5:58 PM journal a flower for your vanity, a penny for your thought... about the worlds insanity, and how we've gotten lost. strike up the band and play a song as we go waltzing by. and fake a smile as we all say goodbye.
say a prayer for recognition kiss the ones you love gather up the ammunition, cifer all the lost. strike up the band and play a song as we go waltzing by, and fake a smile as we all say goodbye
raise a glass for ignorance drink a toast to fear. the begining of the end is come thats why we all are here strike up the band and play a song and try hard not to cry and fake a smile as we all say goodbye.
---Jars of Clay---
famlyness..friendless...religionless....pointless....skillless....and now girlfriendless...
breaking up is definatly not the trigger for me right now. i know how life goes. i dont need a switch, you know?
i got my brith certifacate finally. actually i got tw in the same day, bu there was such an absence of emotions that i only halfway complained to my g. (grandma) .
Tuesday, November 4, 2003 6:19 PM journal i don't know if i should be happy or sad right now. i sometimes wonder if i even have too many emotions. i know the whole thing with Joni just really, really sucks for me, but I'm not taking it to harshly. maybe I'm just realizing how much of not good i am for her. how much not good i am for most everyone. but it's not something to be overly concerned about. that's what i keep reminding myself. i mean, it's not like im going to see anyone from here ever again in my life, im going across the world with the navy, you know? it's just depressing for me right now. maybe its God's way of getting me back... making me lonely until i realize He really is the best for me. i mean, come on, He even made me lose my hair! i really don't blame that too much on God, but still. i just feel different. Joni doesn't want anyone to knw, she's still using my locker. right now, i dont even care. i told Owen about it. i guess nits some kind of personality complex on my part. but even if im different im no less human. i just think too much on things i shouldn't and lazy on the parts that everyone else thinks about. thats making me an outcast. an outcast in control of freshman, no less. o-well. ive been really worried about people i know being able to recognize me here lately. i guess thats why ive been neglecting writing. but, again, im not going to know them too much longer, right? see ya...
Monday, November 3, 2003 11:01 AM journal It's been a pretty boring weekend. well, i can't say boring, i mean, i did almost stop some prophets from downloading siegfried into the Yggdrasill and destroying Filgaia.... but aside form all that. i think i might degrade myself today quite a lot. im thinking about applying at wendy's. it feels so much of a step down for me. im so freaking sick of working fast food. hmm.. i wonder if Mrs. McCann is going to be mad at me. o-well.
Thursday, October 30, 2003 11:02 AM journal Most things pass well. i forgot to bring my information into school today to be able to get my liscence after school. i think joni is going to have about 5 cows about it. im hoping to get it pretty soon though. ROTC is next though. i dont have too much against that. i just dont appreciate standing at parade rest/ attention for a whole hour. it gets mostly annoying for me. maybe ill jut fly from england to texas...
Tuesday, October 28, 2003 10:53 AM Journal I feel pretty nervios about writing right now, so i won't get overly personal. if someone wanted to read what i wrote before here, i guess its pretty open. o-well. im writing in school. its sure to be very unsecure, but i feel i don't have too much to hide. i just felt like writing how i felt down, and i felt it would be un- useful to just write it on paper when i can save it FOREVER here..lol.. anywayz. me and joni made an agreement. it feels wierd for me. i'm thinking i like it quite a bit, but next september is that much farther away. and shes really not putting me too much in her life right now. im not even asked to help her with her ACT. but thats ok. i guess my high scores and being her 'boyfriend' doesnt account to as much as her godd ol' friends from church do. i guess im too much of a logical guy to consider emotions too much. or maybe all my emotions are drained out of everything else and put into a relationship. im not too much of a psychological thinker or anything. i guess in the end everything might turn out ok. joni agreed to move with me to south carolina when i go there for navy training for two years next september. so i have something to look forward to. we might have to getr married just to be able to live togather and if we dont spend this year getting to know each other than whos to say im even ready to get married. i think i am a lot of the time, just like i think im so ready to start my life. but the truth is i'm so very scared about everything that is about to happan, bout moving away. but the more i think about it, im really not under anyones protection right now, theres really nothing here for me to want, or need, you know? like my parents are gone, and i dont have much of a home to leave. it still feels weird about leaving. all in all though, i think im going to have a pretty good life, with or without joni. i have an awesome deal with the navy, i mean, with the bonuses and stuff, ill have like 50 k's by the time im 20. and i f i continue in the field and go civilian, it averages 100k's a year. plus i feel im pretty good at the whole investing game. not just stocks and everything, but the whole investing picture, small business, real estate, even secure investments, though i consider still a novice, i read tons of stuff on the subject. i think i ljust figured recently though that i reall really want to be a teacher. and i really really like math, so maybe, when i retire at like 40 or whatever cuz i manage my money so well, then ill retire as a math teacher for fun. im hoping like a calculus class, cuz im so~o great at it this year. yea right, but seriously, with some practice maybe. i actually might have got my first F on the last quiz. which is incredably crappy, but i guess thats what happans. i need to spend more time studying. actually i need to spend any time studying. i have to be one of the lazyist people sometimes. im proud of myself though. my resolve to be more active in preparation for boot camp is going really well. i feel really in shape. i might actually go out for the track team this year and keep it going. yea well, it is lunch time....... c- ya later.
Sunday, October 26, 2003 12:17 AM journal so what do you think? im sending this to joni as well, because it seems my words are always too babyish or something, i cant get my point out very well. Joni asked fro wrk off yesterday for our anniversary, which is cool, but it turns out to be a very big game for our school, so we decided last week to go to the game and possibly 'celebrate' on saturday. 'celebrate' meaning go out to a movie or eat or something, just have some alone time that we havent got in forever because of 'extenuating' circumstances... lol.. anywayz, she finds out people that she likes are visiting for three days starting on saturday, the day we are thinking of going out. which is cool to me, i dont need to celebrate, i think we shouldn't even consider this an anniversary, we were dating before, right? but shes mostly adamant about it, so we make plans. i ask her if she just wants to hang out with her people from pennsylvania, you know, but she doesnt know. so its al up im the air. which is still cool. so we go to the football game on friday, and find out we are mostly going to be car-less for saturday, but we discuss a way around it which worked with her sister and stuff where we'd have the car from 5- 10:30. so im thinking we are mostly going. on saturday joni works til 3 and i have a baseball gam against the marines until 1:30. so my recruiter just drops me off at jonis work and we have a pizza, my recruiter goes home, i wait for joni, she tells me im wrong for visiting. then she acts like to her mom that i just made the whole plan up myself, and her mom already has a low oppinion of me. like i have a big deal about going out with joni THIS weekend, i was just trying to go with he wants. but she made me fel stupid, because she made plas with someone else. wait, she GAVE SOMEONE FROM HER CHURCH THE IMPREESION SHE WAS GOING WITH THEM THAT NIGHT.. well she gave me the same impression, but guess who is more important. not only does she make me look like a morron for her mom, make me plan something all week, look dumb for her sister, but everyone else in ger life is way more freaking important than her boyfriend shes been seeing for a year, realize we're in our senior year, i have my plans fro the next few years mapped out with navy, and her college plans have her living with me the next two years. its not like we dont ave a serious relationship, you know? i guess i AM a morron to want more out of a relationship than being so un-importnat, cuz she knows shes the most important to me.. but that issue asside, im the bad guy again. i dont understand. no- body is happy. we should've just broke up A month ago, or whatever she tells me all the time. whooo-- i feel better now. i dont need reponses to this by the way, its my journal.
Sunday, October 26, 2003 12:01 AM journal Firehead All my worries, and regrets come pouring down(yea come pouring down). Insanity is breaking me, my emotions have no control. Rape me of my pride and take away from me what i want. My desires magnified, lessened by the thoughts of regret. Self contained confess my wrongs to only you I should run. Don't believe the shallow words I've made in haste-no apologies. Pseudo language overwhelming full of rap-what a farce.Taken from my comfort zone and dragged around through my muddy head. Stuck between my self and life my cowardice is showing forth. Shackled under guilt, drivin to an end, dig my grave. Sheltered from my storm, am i safe at home? Leave me alone. Deep within my soul the underlying truth let it go.
thats Dogwood, by the way, they're a band. if you like the lyrics, you should try them out.
anywayz, isnt it cool how you can always find some song you've been overlooking to fit the mood. at least im not angry now. writting down songs is calming. sounds good. no longer is my positive stress relief playing video games, its writing songs!....
so, today, well, it acxtually started a long time ago, back when i first started going out with Joni. yesterday, oct 24 marks a year that joni has been my girlfriend. we went on some dates the month before, it took a long while because i didnt want a girlfriend, but she eventually became my girlfriend. im so bad at writting like this.ok, factual then. me and joni have crazy problems sometimes. this whole church thing, and her not giving me any importance, and that im a aby. i dont know what kind of disfunction or disorder i have about girls but im pretty messed up. but everything's been going fine for awhile. then we had an anniversary..
Tuesday, October 21, 2003 6:52 PM journal o- well, now, everything fels better. i moved out and into my friends house, im all settled. im moving up in school, and i dont have too much anxiety out off school. thanks for reading, i guess...
Tuesday, October 14, 2003 3:42 PM journal oy, its another day. too bad i didnt go to school today.. or yeserday. its really gonna suck when i go back to calculus tomorow. providing that i even go to school tomorow. im such a loser. i just felt sick this morning, and didnt wake up yesterday. if only i had a car, then i would've gone to school both days. it really sucks being laid up with nothing to do. especially in this house. everything is feeling is better. me and joni are resolved, and i think i might be moving out of here. its good to let some things go. plus, the place im moving to, my friend jlives just around the corner. well, i still have to talk to owen's mom about all this. i dont even know if im moving in yet. love not smelling to good. i just feel like going out and getting some excersize or something. laying around sucks. even if i am getting back into my reacquired PS2. Time Crisis has been more fun fun recently. im a little worried that the guncons are going under though. time crisis three is supposed to come out at the end of this month anyway. so. maybe if i get a job ill drop like 60-70 on it and get a new guncon. that'd be cool to have two PS2 guncons. too bad my memory card is laid up in johnstown, i really cant be feeling that. my brother said he'd have it back by last thursday. hes almost as trustworthy as me.... yea, well, its almost been a week. its cool that people acknowladge im 18 now. im so old. anyway, i dont have much to say. im a t a boring phase right now. i think im even starting to bore joni.... lol.
see ya.
Sunday, October 12, 2003 4:36 PM journal thats cracking me up. i thought there were too many blogs on here to ever find mine. o-well. i havent been on all weekend, its been really busy. i haven treally been home topo much. i had to stay after school on friday to help mr. mcoulough tutoring the 4th graders, and i didnt have a car to drive me back to school to watch the game. but that was a really good game. we have an average team, not the best, and we're really pulling from losing a lot of seniors last year. but we played against the number one ranked team in our division, i mean this team beats people often times 70 to 7 or something. and we havent really been on top of everything, but we still got 42 to 69. i think that was about our best game, sine we scored so much, and pleasant was undeafeted. this is the first year ive ever been into football. i still can't say i overly enjoy it, im just trying to have a good senior year, you know, so i learned a lot about it playing blitz, and ive been to every game i can this year. too bad the seasons almost over, we're really starting to get better. and the ride home from the football game was the craziest. joni got me a ride with rebekah, and i dont know about her at all. the 'vibes' i get from her at school are really wierd. i mean, i used to go to her church a lot, and she never talked to me then, and i now, im going again, and she still doesnt talk to me. i thought she didnt like me on that she thought i was trying to take over her church or something. but it went surprisingly very well. i found out she is happy im bringing different people. well, at least she told me that. i wonder why she doesnt bring anyone, maybe it has to do with her reputation or something. i dont think church is a very embarrassing thing at all. well, i got home at about midnight, called joni and went to bed, no time for journaling. saturday joni took me out for my birthday. it was halfway fun. the big deal was a concert at 7. her dad let us borrow a van he's borrowing. i think i like driving vans. especially whit miny vans. something about them, i dont know, they feel so smooth. anywayz, we went out to eat like 3 times, and walked around westerville wasting time until 7. we also had sex in the church before the concert. its always the worst when you havent done it for a long time. that's when your conscience really makes you feel bad, i think i do a pretty good job ignoring my conscience though. my jaw was being really gay during the concert, it really made the night worse. that and joni didnt like the kind of music or concert at all. it was Five Iron Frenzy's farewell tour, since they are breaking up at the end of this year, and ive liked them since 7th grade. bleach and hoolond opened for them. i watched most of the concerts, joni kept making me lose good standing spots cuz she wasnt feeling. then my head messed all up so we just left in the middle of FIF, which was really stupid of us, cuz thats who we came to see, but joni didnt like it, and i.... i dont know, didnt want to hear it from her for the next two hours? o well, we pulled of on the way home, despite being tired and had 'fun' again (maybe i shouldnt write sex now that i know people look at this?) and i got home at around 1 AM. so, thats why ive been so negligent. i feel ok today, not in too much of a mood to type too much longer. it felt good to be able to go out with joni, since we havent been able to do anything for like 2 weeks since the car died. my grandma just got hers back, maybe mine will be fixed someday soon. o and i found out Mr. Mcoulough is halfway fake for me. but ill talk later, see you audiance.
Thursday, October 9, 2003 8:54 PM note i gave up on trying to make me writings readable. there mostly for making me feel better, so... sorry. i have too much thoughts, so it feels good to ramble.
i''l start off slow but i'll warm up. too bad about our hst site. this seems fun though. good thing i didn't have too much to say today. too bad i just refered and made accounts for two seperates on m-blog. maybe i'll back door it again. i was starting to get good with reading older peopes blogs too. this loks younger for me.
